Dear Lily,
Time flies by, and soon, in one and a half hour, you will reach the age of your life that seemed so far away and unimaginable for Little Lily. But face the truth: a change of legal status does not mean I stop being a kid. And as Mr. Abreu told me today, I still would feel like a kid at his age (50). That makes me excited.
Just like 16 year old Lily said, “I hope I will be unafraid to make mistakes and be vulnerable because that’s always okay”. This year, so many unforeseen (but great!) things happened that made me vulnerable, and I’ve also learned a great deal from them.
I’ve grown so much over these past years living independently at Deerfield (even though I still cry “我要妈妈” when I’d sad)! In one of my diary entries agonizing over G, I wrote, “it was almost as if five months with him undid my past three years of learning how to be independent.” However, I realize G hadn’t really taken anything away from me. All my passions, my aspirations, my curiosities were just temporary buried inside of me; now that we’ve both given me room, I can already feel them sprouting out again. It has been so long, but I’ve finally started to enjoy my anxiety-free mornings again, feeling comforted by the fulfilling plan that I’d make for the day.
These three years of hard work built a self-love that proved tough to tear down. Many adults have already congratulated me on my recent breakup as a very mature decision, not because I “got rid of a bad person” (not at all; G is not a bad person at all), but because even doused in such love I was able to recognize when the things really important to me was slipping away and to decide to leave an unhealthy relationship when I felt like I was loosing myself, however difficult the exit was. It was mature for me to forgo the short-term, drug-like comfort for a more sustaining and fulfilling happiness.
I am also thankful for all the adults and friends who grounded me when I wavered, which I often did when harrowing over the finality of the decision. The good memories played like a slideshow in my head, but those nights, afternoons, mornings, entire days where I cried and cried mourning my lost individuality were completely forgotten. But like mom said, no matter how big of a tantrum I throw, I have to stick with my decision. And she’s right, because I’ve been through it and know the back-and-forth game hurt a lot. To achieve this ultimate peace and acceptance, Lily, sometimes you have to play the bad guy and take some blame for being “overly hard” with your decision.
Back to the bright, blooming future. There’s chance for me to do a lot of exciting things I hadn’t made time for before: I’m going to read more books (this is a goal that I was finally able to achieve this year) and make my reports, (finally!) pick up guitar again in the spring with a tutor, start an art project reflecting these past months’ emotions, start teaching private art lessons, restart Your Art programs, write in my diary… It makes me so giddy just thinking about them!
G is observant in a way that always surprises me by describing me in the exact manner I’d like to imagine myself in. So maybe after all, I really did succeed in building a vivid character of Lily. “Kind, soft, caring, explorative”; come on, I couldn’t have found more beautiful words to describe myself! But the darker side of my moon built me stronger too: my inexplicable-but-now-reconcilable sadnesses, my socially-aware anger, my elf-inflicted wounds from curiosity and naivety… Those scrapes along the road did not diminish my sunshine; when I picked myself up, my optimism only became more steady and meaningful. I am assertive, now, in a way that would scare the 9th grade acquiescent Lily; I am firmer with decisions, and more resistant to the unhelpful sympathy in me when I see a further goal ahead. Soft on the outside, hard on the inside; that is the kind of woman I want to be.
“Self-love. Never give up the thing, ever.” Cheesy as he is, Mr. Abreu always has a way of tattooing my heart with his words.
Self-love. Strength. Boundaries. Self-fulfillment. These are the mantras for the to-be 18 year old birthday girl. Be kind to you, so you can be kind to others.
Some goals for the new age:
- Not get in a relationship for at least this year (I need a little break…)Letter to Adult Lily
- Set boundaries and ALWAYS be unapologetic towards denying whoever tries to overstep them
- Maintain friends from Deerfield
- Find peace in books and art
- Express love to family more
- Do kind and meaningful things for the world
18 seems old, but it’s really the start of a golden age. It is time to look far and deep into the horizon, and think about how to truly make a contribution to society. Finally, keep smiling: loose anything but never loose your passion, love, and curiosity for this world!
With tears of love,
17-year-old Lily ❤️
