Dear Lily,
Today is the last day of my sweet 16. My life is shrinking into a condensed mess. One huge improvement though is my social life, which I have been struggling with since freshman year. Now I’ve found my consistent group of friends (maybe not a group, but definitely good friends) that I feel very comfortable hanging out with and feel assured that they care about me too. We’re even going to New York together! I feel seen and cared for now, which is good, I guess. I’m pretty happy with my minimalist mode of socializing, mostly because socializing is no longer my concern. College is.
I have never stressed about my grade as much as now. Last day of 16 and I walk out of math class with tears glistening in my eyes. I CANNOT master this class somehow, and it hurts my ego every time the teacher comes over to help me and asks me how I’m doing. While my table-mates are engaged in passionate conversation about a problem two pages ahead, I’m still trying to figure out this one little integration step. I literally never felt so stupid in my life and I don’t know why anyone (including, or especially, myself) has the expectation that I’d go to a good school.
The worst effect of all this pressure makes me lose passion and kindness towards others. Iris is so kind to me but sometimes I just find myself so annoyed at her and I hate myself for it! I think it should be time to fixed up my values and decide how much of a self-centered life I want to live.
The only reason I don’t feel as depressed anymore is becuaseI’m so busy, so when I’m free I still sink into a whirlpool. So despite it being a super busy year ahead, I hope 17 is a year of kindness, passion, and love, to others as well as myself.
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Those were words in the morning, but right now I feel happy and fulfilled. I am happy for having friends who care about me and value me. I should see myself in other people’s eyes more. Socially speaking, I’m at a place like never before in my Deerfield career. Mentally speaking, I am also at another level. College essay writing and conversation with friends make me realize how much my personality has really enriched. I have unlocked a whole new range of emotions: sadness and despair; self-doubt and ego-injury; ANGER (wow!); dislike and annoyance; confusion; and peace. Being exposed to this diverse and open-minded Deerfield environment made me form OPINIONS–can you believe it? Lily has opinions? I have noticed myself frequently arguing my opinion and defending justice to other people, something I previously dismissed as“not part of my personality trait”. Well now, who defines my ever-changing personality except me?
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Just read my letter to 16th self from exactly a year ago. Looking at the goals I set (which were pretty much stagnant since Freshman year), surprisingly I have finally achieved a majority of them (Except for the guitar and book– I wish school would give me more time for it)! Good job Lily! I was right in believing in God: this year I just made my own plans and stuck to them, but God led warm camaraderie into my way. I should just trust that everything will fall into place.
For my 17th year, last year of being a baby, I hope I will be unafraid to make mistakes and be vulnerable because that’s always okay. I’m really grateful to have discovered a huge fear of myself: the fear of admitting weakness and failure. I know I had harsh expectations of myself growing up, but in this next year of college admissions, it is going to be dangerous to keep that mindset. So, birthday wishes:
1. Be kinder to myself and learn to be okay with “failure”
2. Be kinder to those who care about me
3. Work hard, but keep thinking about WHY you’re working
4. Workout and eat healthily (meaning no body-pressures!!)
5. Read a book a month (putting this out again!)
This 17th is going to be a tough one. Hopefully, when it’s time to write a letter again, I’ll be in college already. Hopefully.
Believe in the strength you already possess,
16-year-old Lily ❤
